The Adventures of MPEG

by Bill Zahren

Computer companies operate on their own language brimming
with capital letters and technical jargon. What if the acronyms took over...?

Imagine you're on E-Track toward AUTOEXEC.BAT-ting another project out the door. Your ASCII was really dragging, when suddenly, RAM, a mail cart hits you. "This is totally scuzzy," the cart driver, MPEG, said. "We need to get this stuff to Argentina so we can make 256K cache."

It's a hard drive to Argentina, so MPEG took the package and got on a parallel bus. Among the passengers was a TST whose BIOS appeared to be in the dumps. "What's ROM?" MPEG said.

"CBR me ASAP," the TST said.

"Don't worry, you're floppy now, but, GCS what? I have ESP that GCI will soon lighten your download," MPEG said.

"HR, HR," the TST laughed. "Very funny. Remember to leverage with your legs when you upload that package."

MPEG decided the TST was a bit of a CAD and that she better get to Argentina to CPU someone about this package. She looked at her watch, "tech-tock, tech-tock." She was losing real time. She was getting a COMDEX about it all.

They've got quite a gig over in Argentina. Not too many Windows 95 and not exactly an EZ Pad, but you can still FCC across the big room. Everything was very modem and had high functionality. She had no issues with the room!

Everyone had all the latest equipment. "Wow, Gateway must really have deep sockets to finance this place," MPEG thought. Cutting too many corners, of course, would cause a TIF and some high-level manager might have a cerebral pipelined burst. SIMMed to MPEG that such a burst would be hard to MIS.

Just down the hall sat some guy eating his serial. What kind of an IRQ does someone have who eats serial in his cube? It DOSn't take a genius, surely.

"SRAM!" the tech growled. "It's hard enough to B-Mail today without some woman dual scanning my serial." It wasn't a very high resolution to the situation, but MPEG decided it was better not to reboot a sleeping dog.

At the end of the room, seated behind a large wooden disc, was the manager. "Do you know where in defrag I am supposed to dump these?" MPEG asked. The manager grabbed her TelePath and called SVP. This woman knows the ROPs. Her access was not random. "SYS.INI any way to run a business," the manager said into the phone, while reformatting her hair. "APU and I will get to the bottom of this. Whoever sent this stuff over here Best Buy some track shoes and start running."

It was MPEG's cue to exit before she had to admin. first aid to the manager. "CEO you later," she said. Sometimes life just deals you some strange sound cards. MPEG thought she would probably write to her motherboard later and tell her all about it. Just then, she ran into someone from Creative Services, the people who make Gateway's advertising. "CAVERNOUS RAM!" the Creative Services man said. "Gateway computer dragsters come with seat belts and helmets because their greasy speed will blow your cheeks off and cause your scalp to slide two inches back on your skull. BLAZING CD-ROMs!" Those Creative Services people always use a lot of exclamation points. And, they always want to use 6X to sell everything.

"All this pressure is making it hard to pro forma my job," MPEG said, on her way back to the parallel bus. "For once, I'd like someone to be my file server."

It was nearly time for MPEG to go to her home page. There's no place like GW2k.

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