Then there's the San Francisco State University. A student there said she was raped in her dorm room by two men, but managed to chase the attackers away with a kitchen knife. The university took strong, decisive action: they moved to evict the woman from the dorms because a kitchen knife violated policies against "weapons" on campus. They backed off after an outcry, but still took no action against the men because the woman, once burned and twice shy, decided not to press charges. We can only hope that someday, the people of this country will show "zero tolerance" for stupid bureaucrats.

Speaking of bureaucrats, maps have long indicated that northern Germany's highest mountain, the Brocken, was 1,142 meters high. But more accurate recent measurements showed it was only 1,140 meters. Rather than force a change in maps, a construction company trucked 19 tonnes of granite to the peak, stacking the rocks in a two-meter-high pile -- proving that even Germans can make a mountain out of a molehill.

Last year I reported on construction worker Thomas Passmore, who saw a mark on his hand that looked like a "666". Passmore was a religious man who remembered the Bible passage, "If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off." He not only did that with a circular saw, he refused to give consent to surgery, saying he would go to hell if doctors reattached his hand. I am happy to report that his $3.35 million lawsuit against hospital for not performing surgery on him despite his clearly expressed religious wishes was thrown out of court last year. Even the courts are not always dumb!

Speaking of hell, last year a poll found that 87 percent of Americans think they will go to heaven, even though the same poll found that only 67 percent of Americans believe heaven exists.

And I just can't help but tell you about Manila's Auxiliary Bishop Teodoro Bacani. This man of the cloth is a bit upset with what he is seeing at weddings in the Philippines. He complained on a radio show that the necklines on bridal dresses are plunging too low, and are too revealing. He said on the radio, "There are times when instead of saying the body of Christ, I am tempted to say, 'Christ, what a body!'" Reverend, thou shalt not cover thy neighbor's wife.

Sometimes, Dumbth is fatal. Eric Barcia, 22, had always heard about bungee jumping and wanted to try it. Not having the specialized elastic cords experienced jumpers use, he collected a number of bungee tie-down cords, the kind with hooks on the ends. Barcia was no dummy! He connected them together with electrical tape so the hooks wouldn't come undone. He brought his home-made lifeline to a railroad trestle in Springfield, Virginia, tied it off, and jumped. Police were called to investigate when Barcia hit the ground at full speed. Investigators closed the case pretty quickly: the cord was longer than the bridge was high. Barcia's grandmother only commented that "He was very smart in school" -- which is perhaps the strongest indictment of public schools yet. If you need another, a New York state school district, faced with inquiries by 2,500 candidates for 35 teacher job openings thought it would narrow the field by giving teacher wanna-be's an 11th grade English test. Nearly three-quarters of the prospects failed the exam.

(Aside to James "The Amazing" Randi, MacArthur Award fellow and psychic debunker): I cannot do a speech in front of Randi without mentioning Uri Geller. Last year, I reported that Mr. Geller had announced his plans to apply his "God-given talent" to the Middle East peace process by running for the Israeli Parliament. I didn't have to comment on that, since Uri already knew what I thought. This year, Geller, who has proved that he has the ability to bend ...the minds of gullible reporters, is again in the news: it seems he is now lending his powers to the British World Cup soccer team, saying he's going to send each player a copy of his "Little Book of Mind Power". The book may actually help: Geller told the press that the book is "small enough to tuck under their shin pads."

But despite the accomplishments of these many people, your fellow inhabitants of the only known outpost of intelligence in the universe, none of them made the final cut for special recognition tonight. There were 10 nominees for the Skeptics Society 1997 Dumbth Award.

Runner Up Number 9 is: Jason Jinks of Slidell, Louisiana. This good ol' boy was driving down the road when his hat flew out the window. Jinks, who had been drinking whiskey and taking pills while driving, stopped the car, opened the door, leaned out, and started backing up -- at 25 to 30 miles per hour. In the dark, holding the door open. And not wearing a seat belt. When he saw the hat, he slammed the brakes -- causing him slide out of the open door and land -- fatally -- on his head. Jinks promises in his next life, he'll pay attention during high school physics class.

Number 8: Ricardo Enamorado. The 30-year-old man was rescued last summer from Lake Michigan after the water scooter he was riding stalled. He was found two days later, just 500 yards off Chicago. A Coast Guard spokesman said "He was just sitting there, waiting on us to get to him." He was treated at a hospital for sunburn and dehydration -- he didn't drink any water for those two days, apparently not realizing that Lake Michigan is a freshwater lake.

Number 7: Rita Rupp of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Rita was scared about driving cross-country, but she and her husband Floyd needed to go to the east coast for a wedding. Just to be safe, Rita pre-wrote a note that she could leave for someone to find in case of trouble. The note read, "Help Kidnaped Call Highway Patrol. My Ford Van Cream & Blue" and gave the license number, her name and telephone number. During a bathroom stop in Auburn, Massachusetts, Rita accidentally dropped the note. After it was discovered, an all points bulletin was in effect for 24 hours until Floyd called his office to check on messages. His office manager asked him, "You have no idea what's going on, do you?" That diagnosis clearly also applies to Rita.

Number 6: Actress Ellia English. She wanted the role of Gloria in the film "Waiting To Exhale" so badly she gained 70 pounds to more accurately reflect the character's description. It didn't help: the part went to Loretta Devine. English said "It was heart-breaking for me, but I was happy for Loretta.... She was good. Her hips were a lot bigger than mine." You just can't fake that kind of talent.

Runner-up Number 5: David W. Hindmarsh, of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Police say he handed a bank teller a note saying he had a pipe bomb and wanted money. The teller told him to wait, so he got back in line. For 20 minutes. By that time, not only was the police in position outside waiting to grab him as he fled with $1,500 in cash, but cameras from local TV stations were there to record the capture for the evening news.

Number 4: Psychics in Romania. The soothsayers say they've had it with "imposters" who are "pretending to be able to tell the future and stealing our clients." Their solution: they're forming a union. They say "Only those who can prove their ability to tell the future and lift evil spells from people will be admitted to our union." It's a novel idea: a union that no one will ever be allowed to join.

Number 3: The New Haven, Connecticut, police department. They refused to hire police officer applicant Robert Jordan after giving him an IQ test ...because he is too smart. In a lawsuit, Jordan said the city's hiring decisions are "irrational, arbitrary and capricious," charges the city will respond to just as soon as they can figure out what they mean.

Number 2: The commissioners of Kleberg County, Texas, who voted unanimously to urge residents not to say "hello" because a local resident doesn't like the word. Leonoso Canales, 56, a flea market operator who led the drive for the county resolution, said he sees the word "hell" in the word hello, and he instead wants people to say "heaven-o". Canales says most people don't notice the "hell" in "hello" since "it's disguised by the o, but once you see it, it will slap you in the face." It's probably no coincidence that there's an "anal" in Canales.

The number 1 runner-up: Two men from Pasadena, Maryland. The first man is named Darwin Coates, a 21-year-old gent who shoved a .22 caliber handgun into the waistband of his pants. It accidentally went off and shot him in the ...groin. While waiting for an ambulance, his friend Gregory Johnson, 32, took the gun and stuck it in his back pocket. It accidentally went off and shot him in the butt. Police were able to recover the gun without shooting themselves.

And the winners of the Skeptics Society 1997 Dumbth Award are: Two teenaged couples in Raleigh, North Carolina. The foursome decided to rob a convenience store. While one pair went in to rob the store, the other couple waited in the getaway car. When the robbers came out with the loot, the other couple had the car doors locked, and -- as the district attorney put it, were "steaming up the windows". The young lovers told the robber couple to "be patient". The delay was long enough for witnesses to get the car's license number, and all four were arrested. I wonder if that's what they meant when they got the idea of a quick ripoff at the Quickie Mart.

*The Skeptics Society is on the web at http://www.skeptic.com

The Society also has an interesting "Announcements" e-mail distribution list called "Skeptics Mag Hotline" you can join. Postings are approximately weekly. To be added to the list, put your e-mail address below and press the "Save" button (you'll be Saved!). You'll get a "confirmation" notice by e-mail which must be returned before you are actually subscribed. You can also join by sending a blank e-mail to join-skeptics@lyris.net. Or, for more details about the Hotline, see http://www.skeptic.com/hotline.html.

Randy is available to speak to your organization's meetings. For more information, Click here.

"This is True" is a registered trademark of Freelance Communications.

Page Updated 9 June 1998

Go to: Main Page / Subscription Info / Book Collection Info / Site Map