Dysfunctional family

Addiction often relates to dysfunctional family. To understand our upbringing environment is very important for us to find out where the problem is . Dysfuntional family is unhealthy family. Unhealthy family is the kind of family that runs to the extremes on various functions that originally should be well functioning. The characteristics of unhealthy family are:

• Boundary
  • Loose -- Abandonment
  • Rigid -- Invasive
• Rules
  • Don't talk.
  • Don't feel.
  • Blame others for our problems.
  • Minimize our problems.
  • Deny our problems.
• Roles are assigned, unchangeable.
  • Hero
  • Scapegoat
  • Mascot
  • Lost child
  • Doer
  • enabler
  • Little prince/princess
  • Saint
• Addictions
  • Substance
    • Alcohol
    • Drugs -- illegal, prescription or over the counter.
    • Nicotine
    • Caffeine
    • Food
  • Behavioral
    • Sex -- This is where we are.
    • Work
    • Gambling
    • Spending
    • Shopping
    • Eating
    • Stealing
    • Cleaning

As opposed to unhealthy family, healthy family has the following characteristics :

• Boundary
  • Flexible
  • Care and nurture are provided.
  • Respect for personal boundaries.
• Rules
  • We talk.
  • We feel.
  • We accept our problems.
  • We honestly evaluate the nature of our problems.
  • We take reponsibilities for our own actions.
  • We ask for help.
• Roles are inter-changeable.
  • The Hero, Mascot, and Saint are played by each member at appropriate time.
  • Enabling means caring, encouraging, and affirming.
  • No Scapegoats, Little prince/princess, or Lost children.
• Instead of addictions, family members deal with stress, anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger by making healthy choices to self-nurture and ask for help.

Emotionally, one experiences that:

• Affirmations are given.
• Feelings are accepted.
• People are listened to.
• Individuality is encouraged.

Physically one can have :

• Safety is felt.
• Basic needs are provided.
• Physical self-care is modeled and taught.

Sexually one can learn :

• People's bodies are respected.
• Intimacy is modeled and taught.
• Sex education is provided.

Spiritually one bear the fruit :

• Personal spirituality is modeled.
• Spiritual discipline is taught.
• Relationship with God based on love, not fear, is encouraged.
• Biblical and theological information and teaching is provided.

Healthy family creates healthy self who can enjoy love, joy, and peace:

• Makes healthy choices
• Nurtures self
• Has intimate relationships
• Asks for help
• Recongnizes need for God and others
• Affirms self while understanding the unmanageablity of one's life
• Discovers God's will for oneself

The dysfunction of unhealthy family gives way to various degrees of abuses done on the children. The invasive up-bringing produces

• Emotionally
  • Yelling
  • Screaming
  • Putdowns
  • Name calling
  • Profanity
  • Mind rape
  • incest
• Physically
  • Hitting
  • Slapping
  • Pushing
  • Shoving
  • Spanking
• Sexually
  • Touching or penetrating genital area
  • Teasing about body
  • Sexual humor
  • Sexual misinformation
• Spiritually
  • Punitive and angry messages about God
  • Self-righteousness
  • Negative messages about sex
  • Modeling unhealthy lifestyles

while the abandonment produces

• Emotionally
  • No listening
  • No caring or nurturing
  • No expression of affection
• Physically
  • Being left alone
  • Inadequate food, shelter, or clothing
  • No modeling of appropriate physical self-care
• Sexually
  • Intimacy is not modeled
  • Lack of appropriate sexual information
• Spiritually
  • Failure to model healthy spirituality
  • Lack of spiritual discipline

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