http://www.webcom.com/~conspire/toc.html (PC Press Internet CD, 03/1996)
A: Webster's defines "conspiracy" as an act of "breathing together," which makes our book sound like it might be some kind of steamy smut paperback with lots of pictures of couples doing the nasty. If this prurient imagery interests you--and the fact that you are reading this on the Internet suggests that statistically speaking, you are probably a post-adolescent male with a sticky keyboard and an embarrassing case of carpal tunnel syndrome--then by all means continue to nurture this misconception and place an order for the book right now. And whenever you think "conspiracy," think sweaty pole-dancing babes with big breasts.
Q: Who are YOU to tell ME which Great Conspiracies qualify as the 50 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time?
A: We are two guys who sold this book idea to a publisher before you did, so PIPE DOWN and stop whining like a Nancy Boy. (And remember to think SWEATY POLE-DANCING BABES WITH BIG BREASTS.)
Q: Come on! Does anyone since Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons actually still use the dated phrase, "Pipe Down"?
A: We do, so you's kids stay outta my kitchen--and PIPE DOWN!
Q: I thought this was going to be a hard-sell advertisement for the book, 50 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time, but it's sounding a lot more like one of those goofball commercials that tells me nothing about the actual product, itself, but features lots of jerky camera movements, usually focused on big-ass baby boomers in Dockers.
A: OK, good point, Einstein. You see, we really don't have an editor or ad copy executive looking over our shoulders, so from time to time we tend to spin out into stratospheric tangents. OK, then: If you don't buy this book, you will suffer the humiliation of chronic halitosis and unsightly armpit stains on your wedding day. Everyone will hate you, and that Wilfred Brimley guy will shove hot oatmeal into your face, and knock you to the floor, whereupon he will viciously kick the living daylights out of you like some carbo-loaded, crank-addled biker hellbent on teaching unpatriotic yippie punks like you a lesson.
Q: Now that's more like it! That's the true-blue American advertising I grew up with! Please tell me how I can order multiple copies of your guaranteed-to-be-fantastic product--the book called 50 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time! (And please bring back your mascot, the dancing pack of poison-tipped Lucky Strikes cigarettes!)
A: We'll do you one better, son. Howsa 'bout our new mascot, the SWEATY POLE-DANCING LARGE BREASTED pack of poison-tipped Lucky Strikes cigarettes! And thanks for the interest in 50 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time. You can order the book from one of our "online affiliates":
Louis Theroux, correspondent for Fox-TV's TV Nation calls the book, "Informative, definitive and a chucklefest to boot."
Michael Backes, co-screenwriter of Rising Sun and founder of Rocket Science Games says, "Read this book just before watching the CBS Evening News."
Paul Theroux, author of The Mosquito Coast,says, "Not only is 50 Greatest Conspiraciesa fascinating book--many of its bizarre explanations have the additional merit of seeming as though they might be true."
George Herbert Walker Bush, former Director of Central Intelligence (pictured above right), was unavailable for comment.
Here are fifty of the most far-reaching,
far out, and startling conspiracy theories of all time:
From Beyond
They Died Alone
Mondo Politics
Blood 'N' Guts
Unified Field Theories
Conspiracy, Inc.
Tragedy and Trauma
State Secrets
Random Shootings
Twilight of the Idols
And much, much more!*
* A preface and an index.
JONATHAN VANKIN is the author of Conspiracies, Cover-ups and Crimes (Dell Publishing, 1992), an analysis and investigation of conspiracy theories in America. Previously, he was news editor of Metro, an alternative weekly in San Jose, California.
JOHN WHALEN has written for Wired magazine, SPIN, Newsday, and the Boston Phoenix. Previously, he was the media columnist at San Jose Metro.
