"America's Funniest Home Hypermedia"

I don't mean to preclude those outside the Americas from being considered useless. Actually, they're quite well represented. I just thought the subtitle was amusing.

New! I summoned the all powerful deity known as "Perl" to aid me in tracking changes to the Useless Pages. Witness the Useless Updates page and save yourself some time, which you can then waste on more useless pages.

Listen, you people. Roughly fifteen of you have submitted the Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. From the moment I saw it, I didn't want to add it. But you people won't leave me alone, will you? On and on and on! "Oh, here's one you probably haven't seen!" you say. I'VE SEEN IT, OK!!!!! GRANT ME SOME PEACE!!!

IMPORTANT: No more submissions for a while. Let me catch up on my email, please. I will soon be adding new functionality that lets me easily keep up with the volume of suggestions. It's a surprise.

Painstakingly alphabetized structure!

Accolades

We've garnered an award or two! Of course the real work is done by those people typing in CD lists and attaching hot tubs to the Web, but I'll take all the credit.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to everyone that has contributed so far! I guess I'm not taking all the credit after all.

Blink

In a fit of creativity, I have built my own monument to Uselessness. Do you use Netscape like 62% of the web browsing population? If so, come try to decipher my secret message regarding blink. If not, don't bother. Really.

Contest

Read about the useless contest, which ended on March 4, 1995. Ideas for new contests welcome.

Disclaimer

"Useless" in this context doesn't mean poorly done or of no value at all, it just means that there isn't any point in making these things available on the web. If you see a page and think "Good God, WHO CARES?" you have found a likely submission. If you see your own pages here, don't come after me with a pickaxe, I didn't choose all these personally. (I have been amazed at the number of people that submit their own pages for inclusion. Research into that phenomenon is left for a future project.) Furthermore, some of these pages are intentionally useless: that is, they poke fun at their own subject matter. Some aren't. If you can tell which is which, you're one up on me.

Hall of Fame!

Now available for your perusal: The Useless Hall of Fame. Do not overlook the other worthy pages in your rush to see who has attained this lofty position!

International Appeal

I have this thing about seeing the pages written about in other languages, so I have devoted space for this questionable collection of quotes from around the world.

Job security

At my fantastic boss's behest now that the Useless pages are getting over 30,000 hits per week, please visit Primus and consider hiring us for your Internet and WWW needs. Heck, if I can grind our server to a halt with pages built in my spare time, just think what I can do when I really try! I used to say "useless boss" rather than fantastic, but I decided I like getting paid.

One Book

As long as I'm subjecting our server to all this traffic, let me drop in a plug for the non-useless One Book list, and solicit your submission. Spend some time today doing something useful!

Retirement

After pages have duly served their time, they are farmed out to the land of retired Useless pages. Visit them, lest they wither and die from lack of love.

Statistics

Wondering how much traffic these pages get? Wonder no more.

Submissions

Want to submit a useless page for inclusion? Please read my notes on submissions first.

The Useful Pages!

We at Primus do useful work too. You should come and see it. Samplings:

• TravelSource
• Anini
• NetVision

And now that your appetite has been whetted, the main course:

• Useless Pages and friends:
  • Notes on Useless Submissions
  • The Uselessness of Pi and Friends (Newly updated!)
  • The Uselessness of Music Collections
  • The Uselessness of Machines
  • The Uselessness of Fortune Telling
  • The Uselessness of Pets
  • The Uselessness of Cars
  • The Uselessness of Computers
  • An Extremely Useless Fantasy
  • Useless Contest (Over!)

• Featured link: 50 Years of Band-Aid (Kevin Savetz has done it again)
• The first 500,000 digits of the square root of 4 (incredible precision!)
• Condom Country's Penis Length Chart (look at the URL -- that's the author's attempt to subliminally associate the number with his penis length)
• Dave's NU Alum Kit (ooooh, dreams CAN come true)
• Deceased Porn Stars (I idly wonder if clever porn movie titles like "On Golden Blonde" decorate any of their gravestones)
• The Donut List (this sort of creativity will finally bring police departments onto the web)
• Gary's collection of BBQ Potato Chips (gifs of the bags themselves are "on the way", I hear. Great.)
• Hi, my name is Alan and I'm a Polo addict (Polo appears to be some UK candy. He doesn't mean the horse thing. Or the swimming pool thing.)
• Instruments Dave has played Smoke on the Water with
• What JISAO might stand for (my own nomination: Jesus, It's Silly And Oh-So-Useless)
• Joe Clark's page of Joe Clarks (in order to understand recursion, you must understand recursion)
• John's Beer Drinking Records
• Kris's annoy Jay page (leveraging the web for a higher purpose)
• Mr. Matt's Giant Rat
• The Old Fart's Home Page (The http working group will soon be extending the protocol to include smells)
• Pat and Dave's Super Tecmo Page
• The Shocking Photo Expose of the Lesbian Barbie Scene (Be sure to play "Where's Ken?" with the pictures)
• The Slipper of the Future (has its own server, MIT must have money to burn)
• The Soda Fountain
• Steve's annotated log of ice cream flavors he's made
• Steve's ant farm (Perhaps this should go on the pets page? Do ants qualify? Categorization is such a tough job)
• The Strawberry Facts Page (how do people get this interested in a fruit? How? How?)
• Tom's Totally Useless Information (actually I learned a lot about hanging from towel loops)
• TV Schedule of the people living at 23 Moran St. (don't miss walking through a simulated version of the house
• Vince's opinions of various Prince songs
• Wake Up, Mike
• The Wile E. Coyote Question (analyzing the most important cultural icon of our time)
• The Worldwide Institute for the Preservation of Everything

People have commented to me about the Useless pages. Their thoughts are brilliant and you must view them.